The year was 1999………it was a glorious year. It was the last year I fell asleep without thinking, without hesitation. The last year I was able to lay my head on the pillow and fall asleep instantly. I didn’t have any children or thoughts of responsibility. The only thing running through my mind was how Prince told me this was the year to party……and party I did! I miss that feeling. The feeling of being able to just sleep without reason. To do what you want, when you want. These days id be happy to get more than 5 hours sleep a night. I would probably pay any amount of money to stop my brain from thinking and allow me to return to 1999 when I took sleeping for granted. How stupid was I ??!! Now it takes me HOURS to fall asleep. I could have one of those nights where everything is done and everyone else is sleeping and I get a chance to maybe get a couple of hours extra sleep and just when I think ” this might be the night! ” I lay down and can’t turn my brain off!! I literally think about the stupidest things at night. I have a list of things I have to run through in my head before my brain says “ok now you can go to sleep”. I think about things like “why do they call it chilli if its hot?” or “why do some people breathe through their mouth instead of their nose?” or “what would I do if there was a zombie apocalypse?” Do these things really matter? I mean really, what does breathing have to do with anything? It gets even weirder than that too sometimes. The other night I was thinking about cleaning up my backyard and using the soil I bought last year to try to save some money and I starting wondering if manure goes bad?. Like poop…..why am I thinking about poop while I’m trying to sleep?? There’s no reason poop should be on my mind, yet there it is. I think about laundry and the kind of soap I use. I wonder why I bought a washing machine that only take the laundry pucks. I think about how my mother-in-laws laundry smells amazing and mine smells like kids and old man and cat! I think about letting all the cats outside one night and try to think of a valid excuse to give the kids as to why when they wake up there are no cats left!! It goes from things like that to ” should I rearrange my room?” or ” is taekwondo really an important activity for Julia?” or to the dramatic thought of pushing Steven out of the bed and pretending it was an accident so he STOPS SNORING!! When it gets to that point I usually get up and have some water and a smoke lol… But once I get back to bed the whole process starts over again 😦 I have such resentment for Steve when we go to bed and within SECONDS the man is fast asleep. Honestly….how can you have NO thoughts?? How do I get back to that moment in time. I was just like him once. Seems like forever ago. I almost wonder sometimes if this thinking I do at night is adding more stress to my life than is really necessary!!!
I now realize that the reason I’m the one who has to be awake so long is because there are 4 other people in this house that I take care of. The reason they all sleep the way they do is because of me. They have nothing to stress about because I am the one who takes on the burden. That to me means it’s just another one of my motherly duties that gets done that no one else realizes. It makes me the good mother and girlfriend and daughter that I am 🙂 It doesn’t really explain some of the crazy things I think about but I think maybe because I’m always thinking about other people maybe that’s my time to think about me or what I want to think about. What a minute if that were the case then why am I not thinking about the male revue or Channing Tatum…….hmmm I must be crazy then…. that’s it… that’s gotta be it right??? lol
Well that was all a crock lol….. just forget what I said and go back to 1999 with me and Prince 😜